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  • Adam Plant



Let’s assume these legumes are divided by one thing... hummusy chickpeas. These starch pebbles are clearly a profitable bean as the price of three bean mix is dramatically increased, once chickpeas are involved (thus creating the much desired, four bean mix). Now let me make this very clear, I don’t know the first thing about chickpeas. I mean damn, I spent my childhood eating Sultana Bran, anchovies or liverwurst. The day I first discovered my love for Chickpeas was also the day I discovered my greatest addiction. Immediately after being introduced to that sweet sweet four bean mix, I was introduced to medical gambling (which in hindsight, is just regular gambling). I kicked my slot-machine habit but I just couldn’t keep chickpeas out of my diet (or my mind). Recently I uncovered that chickpeas come from a bushy-looking plant which grows about 18-inches tall but has no girth. I also found out that consuming too many chickpeas would lead to cramping and massive internal hummus-blockage. I assume the blockage causes death and while your body sits at the morgue; they unblock your intestinal track by scooping it out with celery sticks.

Vegetarian diets

Most people won’t change to a vegetarian diet due to a craving for endorphins established when consuming carcasses. Many more will deny the dreaded vegan trend due to their lust for curdled dairy and milk bacteria. I chose a vegetarian lifestyle because of apples. I live to eat apples which soon led to pears which led to blueberries and so on. Now... I do not crave meat, though I do sorely miss the social aspect of roasting a freshly murdered creature with my friends and family. That bonding experience has died and I am alone with other sad souls who left that lifestyle behind. We aren’t happy but we are arrogant and bitter so that’s something I guess. 

Carnivorous Diets

“Dependence on meat consumption is an appetite for destruction”

-Edgar Axel Poe (lead singer from Guns’n’Poeses)


Never make friends with desert scum or dusty lowlifes! They’re sure to steal your precious hydration and cool demeanour... and let’s be honest here... in those heated moments when you’re burdened by the sweat-stink of oppressive sun damage, water is worth its weight in milk (assuming you’re not lactose intolerant). Ya know, I guess it’s like your grandma always said: “in times of bleak wasteland predicament, only trust a cowboy or maybe one of those dumb-looking armadillo things... they seem like they know what’s up”. 


The black liquid, the giddy mud, the go-go juice or the wowza water. The unregulated psychoactive nervous system stimulation of coffee will surely keep your mind running strong when your body screams “please god stop”. Even better, caffeinated supplements in pill-form have all the beneficial perks without the rumbling bumble stomachaches and diarrhoea caused by milk-based beverages. Some may debate that caffeine addiction taxes more energy than it provides but those same people probably rely on brown sugar and red meat consumption for their legal vitality boost. There are some serious arguments that suggest coffee may promote insomniac attitudes or rancid anxiety but that’s merely propaganda forwarded by the sinister mattress and bedding companies. 

Milk Allergies 

You can’t have yogurt without milk and anyone who debates this fact is just intolerant of the diary truth. Fuck you, your wowza water must be pretty damn bleak. Are your bones even bones? I didn’t think so. Perhaps you should stick to Eric Clapton’s solo albums because Cream may give you diarrhoea. 


Wipe the gleam of shame off your sweaty forehead and shake off the crumbs of remorse, we have no judgement here; just dietary understanding. Some people like to eat more under stress and some people graze less. For me personally, the power of overindulgence induced ecstasy is a medication but unfortunately, my metabolism and waistline don’t agree. These days, I’m all about the high fibre of pickles and apples due to low-calorie content. Some folk may be inclined to snack on nuts and beans but the cramps are just to severe. A real doctor would probably suggest moderation but fuck them and fuck their regulations. Next time your general practitioner suggests a tapered diet, buy him a knuckle sandwich before kicking him in the teeth. 


It’s suggested that psilocybin therapy can aid in combating depression, anxiety and other mental health issues, however; It’s my vitriolic belief that a simple mushroom sauce drizzled over a well-cooked vegetarian wellington is far more effective in opposing a poor or declining mental state. Nowadays, there's a rapidly growing trend of drug-based treatments to a variety of problematic health concerns but no one seems to realise that anti-gloom may be just a mushroom dish away. If you can’t stomach the lush, robust taste assault of fungus, perhaps you should try pickles. 

Fast Food Restaurants  

There seems to be a schism within the academic community concerning the potential health benefits of the fast-food industry. These polarising opinions seem to be like chalk and cheese but it’s easy as pie to understand that both sides argue incredibly powerful points against one another. Diabetes expert Obie Zity went on record in 1987 stating “The proof is in the pudding, the pudding obviously being represented by the rise in childhood heart attack percentages”. While  Zity’s evidence was clearly notable, his findings were scrutinised by critics and taken with a grain of salt. Business entrepreneur and Kentucky Fried advocate Rempus Chestpang retaliated to Zity claims in the statement “One man’s processed meat may be another man’s poison but I believe we have bigger fish to fry when it comes to public wellbeing. Zity doesn’t take into account that the youth of today are having children at an earlier age and fatalities from severe constipation are at an all-time high. Though the fast-food industry has a tarnished reputation, no one can debate that their cuisine is a natural laxative and spermicide which in turn could potentially save our degrading society”. Chestpang would later go on to establish his own restaurant chain while Zity would eventually be sentenced to prison in 1993 after being found guilty on the grounds of unregulated organ farming. 

McDesolation Burger Meal 

This paragraph is less about self-help and acts more as an obtuse, didactic tale. Firstly, I’d like to make it plainly clear that I was not directly involved in the following situation but as a nosey spectator, I feel it’s my obligation to preach what Isee. With any luck, you’ll somehow ascertain a moral motive for my gossiping. Once upon a time (in the year 2019), I was lethargically stumbling down the streets of my tiny hometown in a thickened state of seething dismay whilst cursing my mental condition. In futile determination to induce endorphins, I decided to poison my body by indulging in some American fast food. There inside the fast food establishment, I began barking orders for a serving of processed meat when I eavesdropped on the dialog exchanged between two burger-loving patrons beside me. 

“It’s good to see you, grab a seat!”, the bearded burger patron exclaimed while clenching a burger in his left hand and extending his free right hand towards an empty seat. 

“Aww nah sorry bro, I gotta few places to be today but we’ll definitely catch up some time”, the other cleanly shaven burger patron declined before exiting the perimeter with his own burger in hand. Not thinking much of it,I took my fats’n’meat order to go and soon followed out the door. Upon departing the fast food institution, I became witness to a scenario I’d never forget. There within an otherwise empty car sat the cleanly shaven burger patron eating his burger alone. We made an exchange of eye contact for a passing moment before promptly turning away when I realised… he had no place to be today, he just wanted to consume his burger in solitude. 

#humor #food #protein #fastfood

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