If your body is a temple, then masturbation should be considered an act of worship. Furthermore, devoting a weekend completely to porn should be viewed in the same light as a religious holiday. Personally, I’m not a spiritual person and would consider myself an atheist; which is to say that I detest the notion and lotion of self-pleasure. However, in a world which blurs the lines and stirs the pot of what’s socially acceptable, perhaps we’re too quick to shun displays of public masturbation. Within context, these seemingly depraved perverts are really just preaching the word of god.
We’re almost in the year 2020 and guess what... It’s never been easier to become a cowboy! All yer horsepowered fantasies can soon be yours with a deluxe country treatment supplied directly from your pals down at The Ruckus Shrimp Rodeo (previously named The Ruckus Shrimp Butchery but changed for legal reasons too complex and sinister to mention here). Join us and get your main horses mane maintained and restrained without pain or any other inhumane practices. Saddle up for legendary workshops hosted by well-travelled cow folks such as Hoarse Hank or Gene Dun (both experts in the field of farmhouse insomnia with a step by step guide on how to easily hit the hay tonight). Stop and take a moment to reign in your insecure people-pleasing attitude because we’ve even got a workshop on how to say “nay”. This is of course (of course) a family event so bring your dumb kids along for the ride too.
Like the VHS or DVD, books are a seemingly valueless object forgotten in time and replaced by a digital age. NOW available exclusively in every second-hand bargain bin or city landfill. I choose to remember books as a nostalgic paperback memory and even today, I chose to read these dated formats to escape the distractions found in modern technology. These ink pages have no interactive flashing lights or pop-up ads to hinder my learning experience. They will not charge me a small fee or subscription cost. I am free to gain knowledge and avoid third parties reading my metadata for marketing purposes... all I fear is spilling milk on my delicate and vulnerable pages.
We all understand that clocks are a great way to organise our sexual activities and bulimic schedule but few remember that clocks can be used as a nifty paperweight or even a weapon (if thrown out a window).
Never forget to brush your teeth and care for your oral landscape; otherwise, you best prepare yourself for loose tooth disaster and rotten frenzy conclusions. You must understand that dentists are nothing more than prestigious salesmen disguised behind expensive degrees, shiny smiles and mint flavoured floss who only value one thing... profit through enamel amputation and sale of toothpaste. These glorified drill-monkeys will lean towards any opportunity to exploit your rotten bones and if you’re not lucky; you might just find yourself in a world of gummy hurt. Even worse, you’ll likely be ripped off and scammed out of your birthright to a tooth fairy visit.
Flatulence, Eructation and Oscitation
Our society is pretty selective when it comes to picking which bodily functions are and aren’t offensive. If I were to aggressively belch in your direction, would you feel inclined to belch back at me, under the pretence that belching is contagious? Probably not because it’s a disgusting expulsion of gas and an obscene example of behaviour, however, we really love our yawns. Yawning is one of those “things” that you’re allowed to do without any public shaming or self-disgracing. I’m not trying to advocate either side and I understand that gas eruption is a little bit different to random inhaling of air but let’s get real here; yawning can be somewhat unpleasant, abrasive and rude at times. We’ve all been around someone who has no sense of personal hygiene, who insists on open-mouth yawns. Some people will even ring you up on the telephone only to begin yawing 30seconds into the conversation while trying to excuse themselves mid-yawn... And to the people who frequently yawn with zero regards of others: Fuck you, you know who you are, you scummy yawning pricks.
You’re starting to feel the anatomic betrayal when your body begins to breakdown and fail. There’s gloom in the future and you’re reaching that stage of symbolic momentum and a coming of age. The waiting room’s cold and you’re meeting your fate, the doctor is here to probe your prostate.
Let’s talk about polski ogorki. I’d kill myself but these pickles pick me up and give me the energy I need to keep going. My glum attitude is outnumbered, anxiety is disencumbered and my night is filled with slumber when I succumb to my nightly cucumber. Sometimes, when no one is looking; I jam as many as I can into my opened salivating mouth in an attempt to satisfy my green lust. Every time I seem to choke’n’pass out before I can finish the jar but I wake the following morning feeling incredibly hydrated due to the high water content.
City Road Rage:
Horns, scorn, thumps and bumps are all just symptoms of traffic aggression, specifically related to the inner city. Of course, the countryside has it’s fair share of heated vehicular disputes; though more often occurring on horseback (we’ll get to that shortly, just hold your horses). For those who experience city slickin motor tension, it’s important to store a tape measure within your glove box, under the driver's seat or somewhere easily accessible. When road disputes begin to arise between you and a fellow commuter, raise one hand in an open flat palmed gesture and signal to stop. Once you and your aggressor have both pulled your vehicles over at a safe distance from the road, remove your handy tape measure and proceed to calculate the length, width and dimensions of your phallus or punani. Exit your automobile and announce your general genital assessments in a loud clear voice. The winner will be determined on a variety of factors which are based on the golden rule: length trumps width, width trumps smell and smell trumps length. The winner is then legally allowed to punch the loser in the acromioclavicular joint.
Country Road Rage:
All information above is identically utilised though measurement determination now applies to your horse’s apparatus.
Gamblers never win... unless they’re really good at gambling, in which case... they win.
Total success can be broken into two foolproof steps. The first key is understanding the dynamics of the game. The second key is cheating. The real challenge is then deciphering how to escape in an abrupt and discrete yet elegant fashion.
Sunny Stink Lagoons and Beaches
Let’s get real for a moment... beaches are horrible places filled horrible smells and even worse people. Next time you visit, why not take an indolent moment to sit and espy the genial yet noisome dynamics of the surrounding beach denizens. The folks who frequently inhabit these areas are often nothing more than babes in bikinis, stinky wet bags of sunburnt meat, or muscle geeks in tiny jocks. Besides the abhorrent cliche characters, you’ll also find the slowly decaying sea which acts as a constantly depressing reminder that global warming and pollution is becoming more and more of a danger for humankind... but honestly, imagination is a powerful tool proving that everywhere and anywhere can become your own personal beach getaway. Next time you bathe, try fitting your bathroom with some UV lights, fill the bathtub with salt and sand, close your eyes and let your mind fill in the blanks.
Bugs and Insects
Q: How do you crush a beetle?
A: Introduce it to Yoko
Q: Why did John Lennon hit Ringo Starr in the head with a belt?
A: Because he thought it was Julian
Q: What’s worse than getting your penis hacked off with a blunt razor blade? A: Getting your penis hacked off with a blunt razor blade while listening to the Beatles
Q: What did John Lennon say after he was shot?
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: The Beatles discography because it’s shit